Sometimes I bring it upon myself.

I am not a sociable person, I don't know how to act or make people like me, I don't know how to maintain relationships.

I don't have close friends.
To be honest, the only "friend" I contact everyday is my boyfriend.
Sigh.
I sometimes think I don't put in effort to meet up with people - I don't initiate meetings; but most of the time, I will attend when someone creates an outing.
I think I only have 2 groups of girl-friends whom I meet up with (but it has been months since we last saw each other).
1 group is my secondary classmates, and another is my JC classmates.
We don't meet up frequently, but when we get together, we do have quite a lot of things to talk about and share.
But I don't meet these girls 1-1; I feel awkward and uncomfortable with myself.
I find that I'm a difficult person to click with? And, we do not have common topics to chat about 1-1.
I do have 2 girl friends whom I used to meet up very often 1-1 with.
But, it has been long since I last saw them 1-1.
The last time I met up with my JC friend, I felt like I couldn't talk to her as much as I could in the past.
We'd have frequent pauses, and I felt like we were on different pages at times.
Ever since she got a boyfriend, she would praise or "boast" about him in front of me.
I don't really know how to react - while I'm happy for her, I felt like it was a little excessive.
The problem with me is that I don't bear to tell her to stop.
Also, we used to go shopping after our meals, but now, we only meet up for meals and end the day.
When I asked if she wants to walk around, she said she is meeting her bf or had other plans.
I felt sad because I tried not to plan any activities with my bf so that we could go out on a long date.
Sigh.

Another sec sch friend has known me for at least 10 years.
We were really close, in that we'd ask each other out to events or shopping - before I had a bf.
:( I feel guilty thinking about this.
I guess she is now closer with her other groups of poly friends as they frequently meet up.
2 months ago, I suddenly thought of her, and decided to whatsapp her to meetup.
I felt that I needed to make the first move - so we met, and asked our other sec friends along too.
Maybe I should ask her out again - but I'm also afraid we don't have much to talk about.

Yeah, I think I worry too much.
I worry about how people think about me, so much that I don't know how to act naturally.

Sometimes when I walk to the office or walk back home, I've thoughts about me being a lonely person with no social network.
The only 2 people that knows me well, or that I can talk to at ease are my bf and my brother.
Not that I'm complaining, but I can't help but think - what if I quarrel with both of them, who do I talk to? :P

You know, I havent been a likeable person (I think) ever since I was in primary school.
In each educational stage, I've people that I disliked, and they disliked me too.
I've people that I outcast, and they might have outcasted me too.
When I was in primary school, I had 2 close friends.
But because of some childish thing started by me, both of them end up disliking each other.
And, I took side with one, and no longer "friend" another person.
Quite shocking to remember that a primary school kid can be so nasty.
When we entered Sec school, the person I take side with, no longer keeps in contact with me
Actually, I don't keep in contact with any of my primary school mates - that's quite sad when I see friends of the same age meeting their primary school friends :(

In lower secondary school, I faced the same problem.
I had a close friend, and we "recruited" another girl into our clique.
But 3 always seem to be a wrong combination.
One of that bitch friend, whom I used to call my "best friend" likes to backstab both of us.
She would tell nasty things about the 3rd friend to me, and nasty things about me to the 3rd friend.
There were times when we hate each other, and did not talk; patch back and disliked each other again.
That was when I decided I had enough and should stop befriending such bitchy classmates.
When I entered upper secondary, I pretty much just ignored them since we went to different classes.

In upper secondary, the same thing happened.
This girl likes me and "recruited" me to her clique (+me = 3 members).
Again, 3 is an omen.
The girl would always say bad things about the other girl and I got pretty tired listening to those crap.
I knew myself that this girl was not a good person - and I should again not befriend her.
I started to get closer to the girl who was complained about, and one day, both of us decided to just stop talking to her.
Initially, we felt guilty.
But after that, we felt that it was for the better?
Come to think of it, outcasting that girl was such a bad thing, and I was guilty.
But I figured I shouldnt hang out with bad influences.
Anyway, the girl that I got close to, became the 1-1 friend that I still meet up till today.

Off to JC, the same thing happened yet again.
It must be me.
Met this girl who is also bitchy and double-faced, always trying to influence me to hate her friend, whom she introduced me to.
We were all in the same class.
I think she did the same to that friend, and slowly we ended up disliking each other.
Well, stupid girls game.
But my 2 years of JC life wasn't miserable... I joined another clique made up of 5 people.
Luckily, we didn't have such a problem - but I do know that one or two of the members dislike me in the past.
Which is why, till today, even when we meet up as a clique, I don't feel comfortable sitting or talking to them 1-1.

Speaking of these past problems, I do think a big problem lies in me.
It seems like I was the figure who brought discord among people.
If not, I was the person who people sometimes dislike (of course, when people dislike me, I dislike them too).

Hence, I got very mindful when I entered uni.
Unfortunately, I didnt meet any close friends in my course, and I literally "friendless".
The only friends I had were people I met during camps, and also on exchange.
I did join a clique in my course, but we're not bonded at all.
The girl who introduced me in, used to be close to me.
She would always chat with me on MSN (that's old school already), and I think she really likes me!
But one day, she totally changed and said things like "shouldn't have told you who I like".
I was like wtf? She was the one who told me and now she's saying such unkind stuffs.
And, I didnt even divulge who she likes. I wasnt even sure why she said that.
Obviously after what she said, I drifted away from her, and started to dislike her.
She too dislike me, so we pretty much did not hang out together.

SIGH
There are so many times when I wished I could turn back the time and make myself popular and likeable!
Sometimes I envy girls with close friends, who support each other well, and are well-liked.
I don't know how to be like them, and I sometimes think it's in-born?
Like, how you look is something you can't really change.
I don't know how to change or improve my personality too.
I do think I'm a nice and friendly person, but I just don't know how to get close to people and make them feel comfortable with me.

There are more issues about myself that I would like to type out..perhaps next time.
I can't seem to make relationships work - I try to be true to myself, and act in my way, but I don't think I'm doing it right.
I guess the only person that can tolerate me is my brother (or maybe...even not)